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vanillalimeThis summer I watched the 2014 movie "What We Do in the Shadows," a mock documentary comedy about vampires (I love anything Taika Waititi does). Then in September, I binge-watched the first two seasons of the TV series that is based on it. OMG, it is simply laugh-out loud hilarious. I love it so much, even more than the movie. And Nandor/Guillermo is the first slashy pairing I've had feelings for in a long time. The third season is now currently airing on FX, and while it hasn't been quite as sharp as the first two seasons IMO, it is still delightful. Anyway, I wrote this year's second Spook Me fic for this show...
Title: The Plant Slayer
Main Characters: Nandor the Relentless, Guillermo de la Cruz, Nadja, Laszlo Cravensworth, Colin Robinson, the Documentary Crew
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2,066
Creature Prompt: Plant
Summary: Things get weird(er) when Nandor replaces all the candles in the house with potted plants.
Notes: A humorus spooky fic, mostly gen ensemble but with minor Nandor/Guillermo. Setting: late Season 2. Written for the 2021 Spook Me Mult-Fandom Halloween Ficathon. Cross-posted to AO3 and Livejournal. The artwork prompt used for the story is included at the end.
______________________________________
"House meeting!"
Nandor waited a beat, then cupped his hands to his mouth. "House meeting in the library!" he clarified.
As the house’s inhabitants all gathered together, Nandor turned to face the camera. "This meeting is a very important one," he explained, "and as such, it must be held in the library."
"How odd," Laszlo responded. "I have absolutely no recollection of any resolution that states all important meetings should be held in the library."
"That is because there is no such resolution," Nadja grumbled. "But the library is Nandor’s favorite room, so he declares that this is where we must meet."
"Well, of course it is my favorite room," Nandor countered defensively. "It has all these nice dusty books and big cozy chairs. It possesses the perfect atmosphere for important meetings. Where else would we go?"
Standing at Nandor’s side, Guillermo quietly remarked, "I like the library, too, Master."
"Actually," said Colin Robinson, "I would be happy to volunteer my bedroom as the designated gathering place for any type of meeting. I know it seems small, but it possesses a certain unique charm of its own. The speckled gray walls produce a calming effect on its occupants, and if you examine the blueprints for the house, you will see that it’s really not so small…"
Colin Robinson droned on about floor plans and architectural scales and square footage until a boom mic fell and hit the cameraman on the head.
"Colin Robinson, stop that right now!" Nandor admonished. "You know that you are not allowed to feed on the documentary crew!"
"Oh, geez, sorry guys," Colin Robinson said sheepishly, addressing the crew with glowing electric-blue eyes. "I got carried away, I guess."
"You must control yourself!" Nandor glanced toward the camera again. In a very apologetic voice, he added, "We still regret what the Baron did to your previous sound engineer."
"Let’s just get on with this meeting, shall we?" Laszlo demanded. "What’s so damn important?"
Nandor cleared his throat. "As you are all aware, we had another unfortunate incident yesterday with the candles."
"Not my fault," muttered Laszlo.
"It does not matter whose fault it was," Nandor declared. "What matters is that our house very nearly burned down."
"Perhaps you should not be giving your familiar a day off every week," Nadja exhorted. "He is the one who's supposed to notice things like smoke and fire and a lack of oxygen."
"Gizmo’s new schedule is highly irregular," Laszlo concurred, nodding his head.
"Guillermo has earned his day off," Nandor argued uneasily while the camera caught Guillermo's furtive smile. "And you are all missing the point."
"What exactly is your point?" Colin Robinson asked.
"My point," Nandor continued, "is that the burning of candles is too dangerous. I am implementing a new house rule. No more candles."
Nadja angrily slapped the arm of her chair. "I object!" she shrieked. "That is a stupid rule! You are overreacting."
"No, I am NOT. They are too risky, and they serve no real purpose."
"They DO serve a purpose! They create such a pleasant ambience. One full of warmth, spirit, and mystery."
"Not to mention romance," Laszlo interjected.
"Well, perhaps we can decorate the house with something else," Nandor suggested. "Something that gives off a similar aura, but is much safer."
"We use potted plants at work," Colin Robinson said. "They are a great conversation piece."
"Excellent idea, Colin Robinson!" Nandor proclaimed. "Does anyone have an objection to decorating the house with some nice green, leafy plants?"
"They won’t be as nice as the candles," Nadja grumbled.
"Forget about the candles!" Nandor snapped in exasperation. "Guillermo, I hereby task you with finding us some beautiful house plants. The bigger, the better."
Laszlo leered into the camera. "My personal motto."
Colin Robinson raised a hand. "That won’t be necessary, Guillermo. I am close personal friends with a guy who owns a greenhouse. I am sure he would be happy to help us out."
Guillermo looked at him skeptically. "You are friends with someone?"
"Sure. We stumbled upon each other one day while we were both out wandering around a cow pasture. We bonded over our mutual appreciation of manure."
Guillermo closed his eyes in disgust.
"The guy is a little odd, I must admit," Colin Robinson continued. "But then, aren’t we all?"
*~*~*
It took Guillermo two trips and several hours to collect and unload all the new plants for the house.
Thanks to Colin Robinson’s friend, the rooms were now tastefully decorated with all kinds of ferns, palms, ivies, and cacti. But the crème de la crème of the collection was an enormous flowering plant with thick, barbed vines and gigantic pink blooms.
Nandor was so taken with this plant, he insisted that it be placed in the middle of the library, where it took up half the room. Laszlo proclaimed that it was more exquisite than his garden topiary. Even Nadja was pleased with the new addition.
"Not as nice as the candles," she maintained. "But lovely nonetheless."
Only Guillermo voiced some dissatisfaction with the plant. "It has a weird smell," he observed. "Doesn’t anyone else notice it?"
"On the contrary, I think it has a very appealing odor," Nandor said, while the other vampires nodded in agreement. "Not quite as sweet as a virgin, maybe, but almost."
"Maybe it's the special fertilizer my friend uses," Colin Robinson speculated.
Guillermo frowned and looked into the camera uneasily. Saying no more, he picked up his new watering can and got to work.
*~*~*
A few nights later, the vampires awoke to the curious sound of erotic moaning. Everyone quickly made their way through the house, tracing the sound's origins to the library. When they stepped into the room, they all beheld an amazing sight...
A gorgeous, half-naked woman had sprouted from one of the plant's gigantic blooms and was now dancing suggestively amidst its petals.
"Oh, my," Laszlo groaned. "I have never considered fucking a plant before, but this creature certainly gives rise to the temptation."
An awestruck Nadja whispered, "Such an alluring voice."
"She is breathtaking," Nandor agreed. "If I could produce breath, she would be taking it."
The vampires spent the next hour sitting in the library, enraptured by the woman in the plant. They listened earnestly to her orgasmic cries. They watched in fascination as she swayed and writhed. Then, one by one, they all departed to their rooms to pleasure themselves. Colin Robinson even scooped up some of the plant's soil to take with him.
That left Guillermo alone in the room with the documentary crew. Pinching his nose, he dutifully approached the plant with his watering can.
Suddenly, the plant-woman opened her mouth in a wide yawn. Simultaneously, the petals of the other flowers parted, revealing enormous mouths full of sharp teeth and fangs. The woman nodded her head vigorously, and the flowers gnashed their jaws together in a synchronized reaction. The plant-woman looked directly at Guillermo and brought forth a sinister, guttural growl that sounded nothing like the sensual sighs she'd made earlier.
Guillermo jumped back in surprise. Clutching the watering can tight to his chest, he silently threw a look of alarm at the camera. Then he ran out of the room, down the hall, and out of the house, slamming the door shut behind him.
*~*~*
The following night coincided with Guillermo's weekly day off.
The vampires again gathered in the library to be entertained by the enchanting plant-woman. As she danced and moaned in the background, Nandor reviewed the helpful To-Do List that Guillermo had left behind for him.
"Item number one is to water our new plants," Nandor read. "This must be very important, because Guillermo has underlined it three times."
"That makes sense," Nadja said. "We certainly do not want this wonderful creature before us to perish from dehydration."
"Guillermo has thoughtfully filled the watering can for us," Nandor continued, "and left it here by the fireplace."
"I will do it," Lazlo volunteered. "It would be a privilege to water this lovely lady."
"No, I will do it," Colin Robinson insisted. "Decorating the house with plants was my idea."
"No, I will do it," Nandor said with a stamp of his foot. "Guillermo is my familiar, and as such, I should be responsible for performing his duties while he has his day off."
"I do not care who does it," Nadja snapped impatiently. "Just do it before she starts to wilt."
Nandor grabbed the watering can and slowly walked up to the plant, the other vampires following in his wake. The plant-woman flashed Nandor a seductive smile of encouragement, and he grinned stupidly back.
"Upsy-daisy," Nandor teased as he raised the watering can to the brim of the pot.
The plant-woman responded by opening her mouth in a triumphant yawn, priming her deadly attack. Four flower heads turned to face each of the vampires. Their petals quivered in anticipation as they began to part…
Then the stream of water from Nandor’s can hit the plant’s soil.
Unexpected flames suddenly burst forth from the plant's roots and quickly spread upwards. The plant-woman screeched and hissed, writhing in agony instead of ecstasy. All of the plant's gigantic pink blooms turned black and fell to the floor, while the stems and leaves shriveled into brown husks. Then, with one last primal scream, the plant-woman turned to ash.
The flames vanished as quickly as they had appeared, leaving only slight wisps of smoke in their aftermath. What little remained of the plant dissipated into nothingness.
"Nandor!" Nadja screeched. "What did you DO?"
"I did nothing!" Nandor cried. "I only tried to water the plant, like Guillermo instructed!" He looked curiously at the watering can in his hand. Slowly, his eyes opened wide in horror as comprehension dawned over him. He glanced nervously at the camera and carefully placed the watering can back down by the fireplace.
"Oh, my lovely lady, gone," lamented Laszlo.
Colin Robinson peered dejectedly into the pot. "Even her soil has disappeared."
"Well, this development is unfortunate," Nandor said in a slightly shaky voice. "But what’s done is done."
"Yes, and YOU are the one who did it," Nadja angrily reminded him.
"Maybe you were right, Nadja," Nandor professed. "Perhaps candles are not so dangerous after all. Why don’t we go back to using them? What do you say? Hmm?"
Nadja’s features softened immediately. "Really?"
"Yes, indeed," he agreed. "Normally, I am Nandor the Relentless, but for once I will relent. Tomorrow I will tell Guillermo to replace all these plants with candles. We will get some nice new ones, with a pleasant scent. Something outdoorsy, like pine or cedar."
Looking pointedly at the camera, he added, "And I think it would be best if all of us simply forget this entire incident with the woman in the plant."
*~*~*
The next day, Guillermo sat down for an interview with the documentary crew. He settled into one of the chairs in the library and folded his hands neatly in his lap. He smiled at the first question.
"Well, my first clue that the plant was a vampire assassin was its weird smell," he said into the camera. "Its transformation in front of me merely confirmed my suspicions."
Guillermo hesitated, then corrected himself. "No, actually, that smell was the second clue. The first clue was Colin Robinson saying that he had a friend…" and here Guillermo made air-quotes with his fingers, "… that just so happened to be in the plant business. That was a little too coincidental, especially considering Colin Robinson doesn't generally make friends."
He paused for a moment, lost in thought, before continuing.
"I don't know why the Vampiric Council doesn't just give up," he mused. "I mean, how many assassins have they sent now? Ten? Twelve? And I've killed every single one of them."
Taking a deep breath, he added, "Although, this time, I thought it might be better if someone else pulled the trigger, so to speak. Less incriminating, you know?"
Guillermo leaned forward to better hear the interviewer's next question, then shook his head.
"Oh, I wasn’t worried about my master hurting himself with the Holy Water," he claimed. "I have complete faith in him. He’s very competent, more than most people realize. Someday, he’s going to conquer all of Staten Island."
Smiling again, Guillermo added, "And I’ll be right there beside him when he does."
THE END
Title: The Plant Slayer
Main Characters: Nandor the Relentless, Guillermo de la Cruz, Nadja, Laszlo Cravensworth, Colin Robinson, the Documentary Crew
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2,066
Creature Prompt: Plant
Summary: Things get weird(er) when Nandor replaces all the candles in the house with potted plants.
Notes: A humorus spooky fic, mostly gen ensemble but with minor Nandor/Guillermo. Setting: late Season 2. Written for the 2021 Spook Me Mult-Fandom Halloween Ficathon. Cross-posted to AO3 and Livejournal. The artwork prompt used for the story is included at the end.
______________________________________
"House meeting!"
Nandor waited a beat, then cupped his hands to his mouth. "House meeting in the library!" he clarified.
As the house’s inhabitants all gathered together, Nandor turned to face the camera. "This meeting is a very important one," he explained, "and as such, it must be held in the library."
"How odd," Laszlo responded. "I have absolutely no recollection of any resolution that states all important meetings should be held in the library."
"That is because there is no such resolution," Nadja grumbled. "But the library is Nandor’s favorite room, so he declares that this is where we must meet."
"Well, of course it is my favorite room," Nandor countered defensively. "It has all these nice dusty books and big cozy chairs. It possesses the perfect atmosphere for important meetings. Where else would we go?"
Standing at Nandor’s side, Guillermo quietly remarked, "I like the library, too, Master."
"Actually," said Colin Robinson, "I would be happy to volunteer my bedroom as the designated gathering place for any type of meeting. I know it seems small, but it possesses a certain unique charm of its own. The speckled gray walls produce a calming effect on its occupants, and if you examine the blueprints for the house, you will see that it’s really not so small…"
Colin Robinson droned on about floor plans and architectural scales and square footage until a boom mic fell and hit the cameraman on the head.
"Colin Robinson, stop that right now!" Nandor admonished. "You know that you are not allowed to feed on the documentary crew!"
"Oh, geez, sorry guys," Colin Robinson said sheepishly, addressing the crew with glowing electric-blue eyes. "I got carried away, I guess."
"You must control yourself!" Nandor glanced toward the camera again. In a very apologetic voice, he added, "We still regret what the Baron did to your previous sound engineer."
"Let’s just get on with this meeting, shall we?" Laszlo demanded. "What’s so damn important?"
Nandor cleared his throat. "As you are all aware, we had another unfortunate incident yesterday with the candles."
"Not my fault," muttered Laszlo.
"It does not matter whose fault it was," Nandor declared. "What matters is that our house very nearly burned down."
"Perhaps you should not be giving your familiar a day off every week," Nadja exhorted. "He is the one who's supposed to notice things like smoke and fire and a lack of oxygen."
"Gizmo’s new schedule is highly irregular," Laszlo concurred, nodding his head.
"Guillermo has earned his day off," Nandor argued uneasily while the camera caught Guillermo's furtive smile. "And you are all missing the point."
"What exactly is your point?" Colin Robinson asked.
"My point," Nandor continued, "is that the burning of candles is too dangerous. I am implementing a new house rule. No more candles."
Nadja angrily slapped the arm of her chair. "I object!" she shrieked. "That is a stupid rule! You are overreacting."
"No, I am NOT. They are too risky, and they serve no real purpose."
"They DO serve a purpose! They create such a pleasant ambience. One full of warmth, spirit, and mystery."
"Not to mention romance," Laszlo interjected.
"Well, perhaps we can decorate the house with something else," Nandor suggested. "Something that gives off a similar aura, but is much safer."
"We use potted plants at work," Colin Robinson said. "They are a great conversation piece."
"Excellent idea, Colin Robinson!" Nandor proclaimed. "Does anyone have an objection to decorating the house with some nice green, leafy plants?"
"They won’t be as nice as the candles," Nadja grumbled.
"Forget about the candles!" Nandor snapped in exasperation. "Guillermo, I hereby task you with finding us some beautiful house plants. The bigger, the better."
Laszlo leered into the camera. "My personal motto."
Colin Robinson raised a hand. "That won’t be necessary, Guillermo. I am close personal friends with a guy who owns a greenhouse. I am sure he would be happy to help us out."
Guillermo looked at him skeptically. "You are friends with someone?"
"Sure. We stumbled upon each other one day while we were both out wandering around a cow pasture. We bonded over our mutual appreciation of manure."
Guillermo closed his eyes in disgust.
"The guy is a little odd, I must admit," Colin Robinson continued. "But then, aren’t we all?"
*~*~*
It took Guillermo two trips and several hours to collect and unload all the new plants for the house.
Thanks to Colin Robinson’s friend, the rooms were now tastefully decorated with all kinds of ferns, palms, ivies, and cacti. But the crème de la crème of the collection was an enormous flowering plant with thick, barbed vines and gigantic pink blooms.
Nandor was so taken with this plant, he insisted that it be placed in the middle of the library, where it took up half the room. Laszlo proclaimed that it was more exquisite than his garden topiary. Even Nadja was pleased with the new addition.
"Not as nice as the candles," she maintained. "But lovely nonetheless."
Only Guillermo voiced some dissatisfaction with the plant. "It has a weird smell," he observed. "Doesn’t anyone else notice it?"
"On the contrary, I think it has a very appealing odor," Nandor said, while the other vampires nodded in agreement. "Not quite as sweet as a virgin, maybe, but almost."
"Maybe it's the special fertilizer my friend uses," Colin Robinson speculated.
Guillermo frowned and looked into the camera uneasily. Saying no more, he picked up his new watering can and got to work.
*~*~*
A few nights later, the vampires awoke to the curious sound of erotic moaning. Everyone quickly made their way through the house, tracing the sound's origins to the library. When they stepped into the room, they all beheld an amazing sight...
A gorgeous, half-naked woman had sprouted from one of the plant's gigantic blooms and was now dancing suggestively amidst its petals.
"Oh, my," Laszlo groaned. "I have never considered fucking a plant before, but this creature certainly gives rise to the temptation."
An awestruck Nadja whispered, "Such an alluring voice."
"She is breathtaking," Nandor agreed. "If I could produce breath, she would be taking it."
The vampires spent the next hour sitting in the library, enraptured by the woman in the plant. They listened earnestly to her orgasmic cries. They watched in fascination as she swayed and writhed. Then, one by one, they all departed to their rooms to pleasure themselves. Colin Robinson even scooped up some of the plant's soil to take with him.
That left Guillermo alone in the room with the documentary crew. Pinching his nose, he dutifully approached the plant with his watering can.
Suddenly, the plant-woman opened her mouth in a wide yawn. Simultaneously, the petals of the other flowers parted, revealing enormous mouths full of sharp teeth and fangs. The woman nodded her head vigorously, and the flowers gnashed their jaws together in a synchronized reaction. The plant-woman looked directly at Guillermo and brought forth a sinister, guttural growl that sounded nothing like the sensual sighs she'd made earlier.
Guillermo jumped back in surprise. Clutching the watering can tight to his chest, he silently threw a look of alarm at the camera. Then he ran out of the room, down the hall, and out of the house, slamming the door shut behind him.
*~*~*
The following night coincided with Guillermo's weekly day off.
The vampires again gathered in the library to be entertained by the enchanting plant-woman. As she danced and moaned in the background, Nandor reviewed the helpful To-Do List that Guillermo had left behind for him.
"Item number one is to water our new plants," Nandor read. "This must be very important, because Guillermo has underlined it three times."
"That makes sense," Nadja said. "We certainly do not want this wonderful creature before us to perish from dehydration."
"Guillermo has thoughtfully filled the watering can for us," Nandor continued, "and left it here by the fireplace."
"I will do it," Lazlo volunteered. "It would be a privilege to water this lovely lady."
"No, I will do it," Colin Robinson insisted. "Decorating the house with plants was my idea."
"No, I will do it," Nandor said with a stamp of his foot. "Guillermo is my familiar, and as such, I should be responsible for performing his duties while he has his day off."
"I do not care who does it," Nadja snapped impatiently. "Just do it before she starts to wilt."
Nandor grabbed the watering can and slowly walked up to the plant, the other vampires following in his wake. The plant-woman flashed Nandor a seductive smile of encouragement, and he grinned stupidly back.
"Upsy-daisy," Nandor teased as he raised the watering can to the brim of the pot.
The plant-woman responded by opening her mouth in a triumphant yawn, priming her deadly attack. Four flower heads turned to face each of the vampires. Their petals quivered in anticipation as they began to part…
Then the stream of water from Nandor’s can hit the plant’s soil.
Unexpected flames suddenly burst forth from the plant's roots and quickly spread upwards. The plant-woman screeched and hissed, writhing in agony instead of ecstasy. All of the plant's gigantic pink blooms turned black and fell to the floor, while the stems and leaves shriveled into brown husks. Then, with one last primal scream, the plant-woman turned to ash.
The flames vanished as quickly as they had appeared, leaving only slight wisps of smoke in their aftermath. What little remained of the plant dissipated into nothingness.
"Nandor!" Nadja screeched. "What did you DO?"
"I did nothing!" Nandor cried. "I only tried to water the plant, like Guillermo instructed!" He looked curiously at the watering can in his hand. Slowly, his eyes opened wide in horror as comprehension dawned over him. He glanced nervously at the camera and carefully placed the watering can back down by the fireplace.
"Oh, my lovely lady, gone," lamented Laszlo.
Colin Robinson peered dejectedly into the pot. "Even her soil has disappeared."
"Well, this development is unfortunate," Nandor said in a slightly shaky voice. "But what’s done is done."
"Yes, and YOU are the one who did it," Nadja angrily reminded him.
"Maybe you were right, Nadja," Nandor professed. "Perhaps candles are not so dangerous after all. Why don’t we go back to using them? What do you say? Hmm?"
Nadja’s features softened immediately. "Really?"
"Yes, indeed," he agreed. "Normally, I am Nandor the Relentless, but for once I will relent. Tomorrow I will tell Guillermo to replace all these plants with candles. We will get some nice new ones, with a pleasant scent. Something outdoorsy, like pine or cedar."
Looking pointedly at the camera, he added, "And I think it would be best if all of us simply forget this entire incident with the woman in the plant."
*~*~*
The next day, Guillermo sat down for an interview with the documentary crew. He settled into one of the chairs in the library and folded his hands neatly in his lap. He smiled at the first question.
"Well, my first clue that the plant was a vampire assassin was its weird smell," he said into the camera. "Its transformation in front of me merely confirmed my suspicions."
Guillermo hesitated, then corrected himself. "No, actually, that smell was the second clue. The first clue was Colin Robinson saying that he had a friend…" and here Guillermo made air-quotes with his fingers, "… that just so happened to be in the plant business. That was a little too coincidental, especially considering Colin Robinson doesn't generally make friends."
He paused for a moment, lost in thought, before continuing.
"I don't know why the Vampiric Council doesn't just give up," he mused. "I mean, how many assassins have they sent now? Ten? Twelve? And I've killed every single one of them."
Taking a deep breath, he added, "Although, this time, I thought it might be better if someone else pulled the trigger, so to speak. Less incriminating, you know?"
Guillermo leaned forward to better hear the interviewer's next question, then shook his head.
"Oh, I wasn’t worried about my master hurting himself with the Holy Water," he claimed. "I have complete faith in him. He’s very competent, more than most people realize. Someday, he’s going to conquer all of Staten Island."
Smiling again, Guillermo added, "And I’ll be right there beside him when he does."
THE END
