vanillalime

Back in May 2010, there was an Oz reunion of sorts when several cast members assembled in NYC to do a charity stage reading of the play "The Godfather, Part IV." The play was written by Tom Fontana, with the proceeds benefiting the Writers Guild of America. "Godfather IV" was a comedy where the actors played fictionalized versions of themselves, often incorporating the personality traits of their Oz counterparts. Oz fans from all over (including many from Livejournal) attended "MobFest" and came back with rave reviews on how uproariously funny the play was, and how generous and gracious the actors and Tom Fontana were after each of the two performances (there was one in the afternoon and another the same evening).

Unfortunately, I did not discover Oz until 2012, and missed all the squee associated with this legendary event. As fate would have it, however, someone recorded the audio of the first performance and

tobyfan recently sent me a copy (THANK YOU ANNE!). And, let me tell you, IT SURPASSED ALL MY EXPECTIONS. It was every bit as OZSOME as I'd always imagined.

And, yes, Lee Tergesen was totally the star of the show. :D

Being the devoted fan I am, I decided that more needed to be done to immortize this milestone event in Oz fandom. I therefore took it upon myself to transcribe the entire play from the audio recording so other fans could better understand what the play was like (or reminisce, as the case may be). The transcription is not 100% perfect (there was so much laughter at various points in time, it was sometimes difficult to hear exactly what was being said), but it is very, VERY close. There were several instances of onstage visual humor that aren't necessarily reflected in the transcript (for example, there was prolonged laughter at the point where Chris Meloni and Tom Fontana "snuggled" together onstage), but you'll be able to get a very accurate idea of what the play was like.

Please note, I am going to ask that no one re-post this anywhere else. I have a feeling the recording was not entirely legal, and I don't want to be responsible for raising Awkward Questions about its origin.

I hope you enjoy it!

The Godfather, Part IV
by Tom Fontana

May 2, 2010
Staged Reading to benefit the Writers Guild of America, East Foundation
3:00 PM (first) performance

[Oz theme music plays]

[piano music plays]

Eamonn Walker: Once upon time, in a galaxy far, far away… no, no, no, wait, wait, wait. That’s the beginning of another story. Many moons ago, there was a little network called HBO, and they produced their first drama series, and it was called… Ozzzzz. A happy little prison show.

The actors who worked on Oz became very good friends, and still to this day see each other regularly. In fact, four of them are having dinner right now at the Empire Diner. In alphabetical order, we have Terry Kinney, Chris Meloni, Lee Tergesen, and the extremely handsome Dean Winters. Terry is filming their conversation with his brand-new Canon XL H1 video camera. By the way, that’s called product placement.

Terry: I know that you flew all the way from England through a cloud of volcanic ash to be here, but can we get fucking started?

Eamonn: Of course we can. (Fucking cheeky bastard.) Now, I’ll warn you, the story you about to see is not true… the events depicted never happened, never could happen, and thank you for letting me write it.

Chris: Laurence Olivier.

Dean: Nope.

Chris: What?

Dean: Too British.

Lee: Too cerebral.

Chris: Cary Grant?

Dean: No fucking way.

Chris: Why?

Lee: No range.

Chris: Cary. Grant.

Lee: Every movie, the same thing… [imitating Cary Grant] "Excuse me, you’re sitting on my penis."

Chris: Then who?

Dean: Brando.

Chris: Brando!

Dean: Brando. Marlon Brando was the greatest movie actor, ever. Period.

Terry: Hey, Dean, could you turn a little more towards me?

Dean: Would you stop it with the fucking camera, Terry?

Terry: This is no ordinary fucking camera. This is the new Canon XL H1. This is fucking amazing. I am getting great shots.

Dean: You know what’s amazing? That you have any kind of a career as a director at all.

Eamonn: This is what we call "repartee." Now, these actors really do love each other. But the way they express their feelings is by saying really terrible things. For example…

Chris: I think Marlon Brando sucked.

Dean: Marlon Brando sucked?

Chris: Sucked! Some of those movies! Geez… The Island of Dr. Moreau?

Dean: Well…

Chris: Guys and Dolls?

Dean: On the Waterfront!

Chris: The Score?

Dean: Okay, that did suck.

Chris: Right!

Dean: What, Chris? You never took an acting job because you needed the money?

Lee: Guy's gotta eat.

Chris: Even if he did, by the time Brando croaked, he had the land mass of Pitcairn Island.

Terry: Lots of truly great men have had weight problems… Elvis Presley, Orson Welles, Alec Baldwin…

Chris: What kind of a name is Marlon, anyway? What kind of parents look into a crib and say, "Ah, y'know, forget Bob, let's name him Marlon!"

Lee: Well, now that you mention it, Brando really doesn’t…

Eamonn: Dean kicks Lee in the shin.

Lee: Ow! Why’d you kick me?

Dean: To stop you from doing what you always do… which is let Chris manipulate you.

Lee: Me? Manipulate me?

Eamonn: Chris smiles at Lee like a cobra in heat.

Chris: Never!

Eamonn: Lee smiles back at Chris.

Terry: Once again, you remind me of a scene from Last Tango in Paris.

Dean: Oh, no. Blah, blah-blah, fucking blah. Last Tango. Lee, butter.

Eamonn: For those of you who don't remember, the butter scene from Last Tango was high-voltage and extremely sexually charged. Lee melts at the very thought.

Lee: Schneider, Brando, butter… whoa.

Eamonn: Summoning up his courage, Lee…

Lee: Chris, I agree with Dean. Brando rocks. Brando rules. Brando practically invented the Method!

Eamonn: The Method is an acting style where actors must FEEL the part. Some actors, some thespians worship it.

Chris: Method, shmethod. Brando was always over the top, he was a consummate hambone.

Lee: What? How can you say that? His performance in The Godfather!

Chris: The Godfather especially! With the cotton in the mouth. Please, I can barely understand a word he says.

Lee: No, no-no-no. That's genius. That's GENIUS. Any actor can say, you know, whoever comes to you with this martini, maybe, HE is the traitor. Y'know, don't forget that. It's genius…[imitating Marlon Brando] "[inaudible]"

Chris: [inaudible]

Lee: Yes.

Chris: No wonder.

Lee: No wonder what?

Dean: C’mon. The Godfather is the greatest movie ever made.

Chris: Oh! Better than Citizen Kane? Better than Avatar?

Dean: Better than Godfather II.

Terry: You know, originally, the studio wanted Olivier to play Corleone.

Lee: Imagine… [imitating Laurence Olivier] "You come into my house the day of my daughter's wedding, asking me to do murder, for money?"

Terry: Sounds like James Mason to me.

Chris: Even a British accent ain't gonna save turgid dialogue like that. The whole movie… preposterous.

Lee: Preposterous?

Dean: Preposterous?

Chris: Preposterous.

Lee: Oh, I get it. You're Italian, so you're going to say there is no mafia.

Dean: Listen, the paisan who brought it to the screen was an Italian, who wrote the screenplay was an Italian, who directed the motherfucking film.

Lee: Hey Chris, we all know that the Sicilian gangster is a stereotype, but Coppola took the stereotype and elevated it, illuminated it. GENIUS.

Dean: You gotta stop being so ethno-sensitive. It's like me being Irish, right? Leprechauns, they used to make me puke. Now that I've gotten to know a few of them…

Chris: I'm not talking about prejudices, stereotypes, or any of that PC culture. I'm talking what happens in The Godfather is preposterous.

Dean: Which part?

Chris: Any part. Take Sonny… okay, there's all this gang warfare that's going on, right? Everyone's got bodyguards, everyone's being protected. Yet Sonny gets in the car and drives off by himself, just so that he can get whacked.

Lee: He was a hothead!

Chris: No, he was a plot device!

Terry: Did you know that the studio originally wanted James Caan to play Michael and not Sonny?

Lee: Oh, imagine… [pauses] Uh, I don't know how to do a James Caan.

Terry: What's to do?

Dean: Chris, one little, teeny, weeny, illogical moment does not make the whole movie a plot device.

Chris: Okay, how about the horse's head?

Dean: The horse's head?

Chris: Horse's head.

Dean: That's my favorite scene.

Lee: It's genius!

Chris: Everything with you is "genius."

Lee: Not Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

Chris: What's the character's name? Uh, uh… John Marley's character?

Dean, Lee & Terry: [together] Jack Woltz.

Chris: He's asleep, he wakes up, senses something's wrong, lifts up the sheets a little, there's blood on his pajamas.

Dean: Then he pulls back the sheets completely, right? He finds, to his horror, a horse's head.

Lee: Genius!

Chris: The head put there by Corleone's thugs in the middle of the night.

Dean: Yes.

Chris: How the thugs get the horse's head into the bed? Big, stupid goombas slaughter a horse, which, by the way, makes no sound as it dies. The other horses? They don't whinny. The goombas carry the head from the stable into the house, unseen. They break open doors, because I'm assuming this rich Hollywood mogul locks his doors. None of the servants hear any noise. Okay, all right, so the goombas are going up the staircase, the head's bleeding all over. They open the door to Woltz's room. Now, in order to put the head at the foot of the bed, the mobsters have to lift the sheets covering Woltz, put the horse's head below his feet, and cover Woltz up again, and tucking in the sheets back in properly, elegantly, as if they were housemaids at the Waldorf. Woltz? There he is, snoozing the whole time.

Lee: Woltz is a heavy sleeper?

Chris: He's not in a coma!

Lee: The mobsters were quiet! Nimble!

Chris: Quiet, nimble mobsters? What, like Luca Brasi?

Lee: It could happen.

Chris: It couldn't happen.

Lee: It could!

Chris: How? I'm telling you, if I was asleep, and you tried to put a horse's head in my bed, I'd wake up.

Terry: On the DVD, in one of the extras, Coppola says that he mis-read the book. He thought that the horse's head was in the bed. Actually, in the book, it's on the floor.

Dean: The floor?

Lee: The floor?

Terry: The floor.

Chris: See? Even your boy Coppola admits the whole thing was a fake.

Eamonn: Lee and Dean are crestfallen. Chris looks at his watch.

Chris: Oh! I gotta go! Early call tomorrow. Ohhhh… I've been doing SVU eleven years. Every day, getting up to go to work. You can't imagine. I've learned to get to bed by 9 PM sharp. Hey, come over for lunch tomorrow? We'll schlep around Little Italy after we wrap, maybe get some pasta.

Dean, Lee & Terry: [mumbling] Yeah.

Chris: Hey, maybe we'll run into some mobsters. Heh.

Eamonn: Chris exits.

Terry: Why is it, every time he leaves the room, I feel like I should just stand up and yell, "BRAVO!"

Dean: The bigger question is, why do we keep hanging out with that schmutz?

Lee: Schmutz?

Dean: Yeah, we love Chris, but he didn't pay his share of the check, AGAIN.

Lee: Since he’s been on SVU, he's used to other people paying for things.

Dean: Yeah, okay, studios, networks, [inaudible]… sure. But we're actors. We are out-of-work actors. Did you notice how he threw our lack of employment in our collective faces?

Lee: No.

Dean: You know… [mocking Chris] "I gotta get some rest for tomorrow, got an early day tomorrow." He’s shooting, we’re not. He’s working, we’re not.

Lee: That’s you being paranoid or jealous, or both.

Dean: I suppose that bullshit about The Godfather, trying to make us look like idiots, like we don’t know great filmmaking when we see it? That’s just me being paranoid, right?

Lee: Uh, yeah. I mean, he wasn’t attacking you, he was just expressing his opinions.

Dean: Oh, Lee. You are just so sweet, and so naïve. When he said, "never mind" to you? He might as well have said, "Hey, Lee, no wonder you don’t have your own TV series." Yeah, yeah, he was belittling you. Why do you defend him?

Lee: I’m not! I mean, don’t get me wrong, his opinion of The Godfather is NOT genius.

Dean: So, as his friends, [counting off] one, two, three, we need to show him the error of his ways.

Lee: How?

Dean: By doing it.

Lee: Doing it? Have sex with him?

Dean: No, Lee, not having sex. Doing it.

Lee: Doing it? Doing what?

Dean: He said, [mocking Chris] "If I was asleep, and you put a head in my head, I’d wake up." Let’s put a head in his bed.

Lee: Dean…

Dean: No, that would shut his pie-hole up.

Lee: First of all, you’re being childish. Second, we could never do it.

Dean: What, you and me? Of course we can. Remember that night in Havana with those Commie twins and the jar of marshmallow fluffernutter? (It happened.) Yes, we just have to plan it out rationally, strategize carefully, like George C. Scott in Patton.

Terry: Or Harold and Kumar.

Lee: I don’t want to take part in this. Chris is my friend.

Eamonn: The front door opens.

[piano music plays]

Eamonn: Now, some may call what happens next, fate. Others, a cheesy plot twist. But at that moment, stepping into the diner is an actress of incomparable talent, of unmatchable beauty. Ladies and gentlemen… Julianna Margulies.

No, no. Clearly, it's not. THAT is Tom Fontana. Now, we wanted Julianna, but she's on her way back from Washington from the White House Correspondents' Dinner, and we couldn't get anyone else to play the role. So…

Tom: Every seven years, I act in a play. Not because I can act, because I can't. But it's to remind myself how miserable it is to be an actor. I mean, look at these motherfuckers.

Terry: Tom, I know that you're a big, three-time Emmy-award-winning writer, but tell Mr. O'Neill to get fucking on with it. Give me that cue.

[piano music plays]

Eamonn: … an actress of unmatchable beauty. Ladies and gentlemen… Julianna Margulies.

Lee: Julianna Margulies? I haven't seen her since we broke up.

Dean: Hey, hello, gorgeous. (Hey, man, can I cut the gorgeous part?)

Tom: No.

Tom-as-Julianna: Hi, Terry.

Terry: Hey, Julianna! I got a new camera.

Tom: Yeah, nice. Hi, Lee.

Lee: Julianna. Hey, how you been?

Tom: Fantastic. You?

Lee: Good. Great. Fantastic!

Tom: You guys seen Chris? Because he told me to meet him here, but I'm a little late. You know those fundraisers drag on once they bring out the crippled children.

Terry: Chris was here, but he left. He said he had to get home.

Tom: Oh, okay. Thanks. Bye.

Lee: She gets more beautiful every time I see her.

Dean: You know, Lee, why you ever broke up with that woman remains one of the great mysteries of the 21st century. I mean, she's sexy, intelligent, funny. She's got those Good Wife checks that must be pouring in right now.

Lee: Why's she meeting Chris? Terry, you know?

Terry: Uh, I don't know.

Lee: Dean?

Dean: I don't know.

Lee: Sure you do. You know every guy who's sleeping with every vagina in town.

Dean: Okay, I didn't want to tell you, but yeah. They're, whatcha call it, they're dating. All right?

Lee: That jizzhole! He jumped her bones before my body was even cold!

Dean: YOU broke up with HER.

Lee: Even so, Chris knows the protocol. The secret rule by which all men abide, that you don't date the girl who just broke up with your best friend!

Dean: Well, I guess he's not your best friend, then, is he?

Lee: NO.

Dean: I guess he deserves to be, you know, taught a lesson.

Lee: Yeah.

Dean: Like Don Corleone taught Jack Woltz.

Lee: Yeahhhh! [imitating Brando] "I want you to do me a favor, I want you to talk to this movie big shot… "

Terry: Hey, hey, hey! I could shoot the whole thing! This film could be an antidote to the pointless-plot, special effects-driven, caper/heist glitz that's taken over the whole indie world! A homage to Godard, [inaudible], Tarkovsky, even the new Asian deconstructionists who give a shit about acting. One, two, three is structure. Yeah, I could sell the movie to some cable network like IFC, or The Food Channel. Go to the indie film festival circuit, go to Sundance.

Lee: Oh, I'd love to meet Robert Redford!

Dean: I’d love to meet his wine cellar.

Eamonn: Dean raises his glass.

Dean: A toast.

Eamonn: Lee raises his glass.

Terry: Wait, wait. I want to get this on film.

Dean: To Don.

Lee: 100 years.

Eamonn: Lee and Dean clunk their glasses.

Terry: Do it again, I got a little focus issue here.

Lee: What do I do? Was it like this?

Terry: Action!

Dean: To Don. 100 years.

Eamonn: They clunk glasses again.

Terry: Cut. Stupendous.

Lee: Yeah, I could use one more.

Eamonn: No, no. Now imagine, if you will, mighty Apollo riding his fiery chariot across the golden sky.

Terry: Would you please try to not turn this into Masterpiece Theater here? You're no Alfred Lunt.

Eamonn: (Fine) The sun rises. We go to Little Italy, where Chris faces a play-acting punk on the set of Law & Order: SVU. Lee and Terry are standing on the periphery.

[*CHUNG-CHUNG*]

Chris: [in character as Elliot Stabler] I know what you did. And I know when you did it, and where you did it, and who you did it to. As soon as I know why you did it, and how you did it, I’m coming back here to wipe the floor with your puny ass, you lousy punk.

Terry: [stage-whispering] Wow, he was so much better on Oz!

Eamonn: Dean approaches, holding a script.

Terry: Hey, where’ve you been?

Dean: Arguing with my fucking agent Bill Butler. He’s called me ten times. Butler wants me to audition for this piece-of-shit Tarantino film.

Lee: Which piece-of-shit film Tarantino film?

Dean: Kill Bill 5. I read it on the way over here. I hated every page. It’s vile, it’s derivative.

Terry: It’s vintage Tarantino.

Dean: Wait a minute? Have you read it?

Terry: Yeah, Bill Butler sent the pages to me. He’s badgering me to audition.

Lee: WAIT! WHOOOOA. He didn’t send ME the script. He’s not badgering ME to audition.

Dean: There’s nothing in it for you, Lee.

Eamonn: Lee grabs the script from Dean.

Lee: Okay, what about this part? "Mr. Plaid: devilishly handsome, early 40s, stone-cold killer."

Dean: That’s what they want ME for.

Lee: But I could play that stone-cold killer! Like the guy I did in Monster… [in character voice] "I love’em, and I hate’em. I LOVE’em, AND I HATE’em."

Dean: You know, Charlize Theron was fucking stellar in that movie.

Lee: Yeah, what about me?

Dean: You didn’t make yourself all ugly and shit. That’s the way to win an Oscar, boy.

Terry: Yeah, yeah, you play a gimp like Daniel Day-Lewis in My Left Foot.

Dean: Or like Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny.

Eamonn: The director for the SVU episode calls CUT. The set breaks into the chaos that only comes when a director calls CUT. Hair, make-up, grips, and gaffers rush around with a flurry of activity, which brings about only a minimum of change. Chris approaches.

Chris: I’m still in character, kids. [pauses, coming out of character] It’s taking longer than I thought. We’re headed into triple golden overtime. You know, I’m gonna have to do lunch without you.

Eamonn: Chris heads to his trailer, where three incredibly beautiful, large-breasted fans are waiting.

Chris: Ladies! Inside.

Terry: Uh-oh. Something tells me he’s going to give them more than his autograph.

Lee: Forget him. We got a lot to do before tonight. I made a list.

Dean: Whoa. You made a list? Wow. I’m seeing whole new sides to you, Lee. I didn’t even know you could even write.

Lee: I got a gold star in fourth grade for penmanship!

Terry: That’s the last award he ever received.

Lee: Item number one. Get taxi. TAXI! 309 West 43rd Street, the stables where they keep horses for the carriages that they take tourists around Central Park. TAXI!

Eamonn: Taxi pulls up. Lee opens door.

Dean: Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Hold on.

Eamonn: Dean shuts door. Signals driver to move on.

Dean: Tell me you’re not thinking what I think you’re thinking.

Lee: I don’t know. What are you thinking that you think I’m thinking?

Dean: That we’re going to the stables and kill a horse.

Lee: Kill a horse? Not kill, exactly.

Dean: Well, how do you not kill, exactly? Killing is a very exact act. And killing animals is illegal, Lee.

Terry: Well, not according to the Supreme Court.

Eamonn: That’s what we call a topical reference. The Supreme Court has lifted a ban on videos in which animals are mutilated.

Lee: We’re going to the stables because I figure there must be an old horse, a flea-bitten nag on its last legs, ready for the glue factory.

Dean: And what? C’mon what? We wait for the stable boys to put the horse down, and then ask for its head?

Lee: Well, yeah.

Dean: We don’t need a real horse’s head.

Lee: Sure we do.

Dean: No. Coppola did not use a real horse’s head.

Lee: Sure he did.

Dean: Lee, you are so sweet, and you are so naïve. The USPCA doesn’t allow a fucking amoeba to get hurt during a film shot. I mean, I’d bet my next Oz residual check that the horse’s head was made by the prop department.

Lee: Wait, you’re getting residual checks?

Dean: I’m going to see Mike Sacchio, the prop guy on Oz, and get a horse’s head. You two trundle over to Chris’s house.

Terry: What for?

Dean: To case the joint. We need to figure out a way get inside.

Lee: Get inside. Hmm. Is a puzzlement.

Terry: Oh boy, we’re in trouble. He’s doing Yul Brynner.

[piano plays music from The King and I]

Eamonn: Lee folds his arms across his chest, paces, and snaps his fingers.

Lee: [snaps fingers] That’s it! The way inside the apartment? Through the front door!

Dean: The front door?

Lee: The front door. We jimmy the lock.

Dean: You? Know how to jimmy a lock?

Lee: I did it once on an episode of Hack. I jimmy the lock. Bing-bang-boom. No problem.

Dean: Lee, that wasn’t real. Hack was a television show. And you know what? Not a particularly good television show.

Lee: But I was GENIUS… [in character voice] "Open the door! Open the door!" See? GENIUS. I could definitely do the Tarantino film. I would wipe Uma Thurman’s ass.

Dean: Lee, focus. Focus. How do we get through the front door and into Chris’s apartment?

Lee: [imitating Yul Brynner] Hmm. Is a puzzlement.

[again, piano plays music from The King and I]

Eamonn: Lee folds his arms across his chest and snaps his fingers, again.

Lee: [snaps fingers] I have it! We bust the front door in like I’m in an episode of Wanted.

Dean: Lee, we can’t bust the door in. Meloni will hear us.

Lee: Right, right. Hmm. Is a puzzlement.

Dean: Would you shut the fuck up?

Eamonn: Lee snaps his fingers.

Lee: [snaps fingers] I have it! Stay with me on this, it’s a little complicated. We get in the front door after I get us a key.

Dean: A key?

Lee: A key.

Terry: You don’t have a key to Chris’s apartment?

Lee: No. Then I’ll convince Chris to loan me his spare, like in that Hitchcock movie. What’s its name? The espionage thriller… Ingrid Bergman, Cary Grant, Adolphe Menjou…

Terry: Not Monjou, Claude Rains.

Lee: Claude Rains! The key to the wine cellar, I forgot what’s in the wine cellar, but it’s vital to our national security, and Ingrid is holding the key in her hand…

Dean: Guys?

Terry: Yeah, yeah, there’s that dazzling shot, which goes from the close-up of her palm for the wine cellar in front of the whole party to the top of the stairs…

Lee: Yeah, no, I think it goes from the wine cellar to the…

Dean: [claps hands] Guys, guys.

Terry: That shot created a stunning sense of urgency and suspense!

Lee: Hitchcock. GENIUS.

Dean: Guys! Jesus, the whole section of dialogue you just did was absolutely superfluous. If this was a movie, the last half of it would’ve ended up on the cutting room floor.

Terry: Well, technically, because everything is now digital, no film ends up on the floor anyway.

Dean: Whatever, whatever. Are we gonna put a horse’s head in Meloni’s bed, or are we not?

Lee & Terry: We are!

Dean: Then listen up. Terry, you go over to Chris’s building, you film the exteriors, so that we can figure out the best way inside and the easiest escape route. My guess is? The fire escape.

Terry: Okay, first we have to unlatch the window from the inside.

Lee: Leave that to moi. I’ll find a "crafty" way to get into Chris’s apartment before to unlatch the latch.

Terry: When Lee gets crafty, I get worried.

Dean: Yeah, well, we’re going to have to risk it. All right? I’ll meet you two back at my place in two hours.

Terry: Wait, wait, wait. We can’t separate! I only got one camera.

Dean: Remember how in Jaws, the shark was rarely seen on camera, but when he was? BAM. Well, just think of me as the Great White.

Eamonn: Taxi pulls up. Dean climbs inside. Cab drives off.

Lee: If he’s the shark, what’s that make us?

Terry: Uh, hopefully, Roy Scheider, and not Robert Shaw.

Eamonn: We follow Dean’s cab, whizzing its way to a warehouse in Brooklyn, where Dean meets with props master Mike Sacchio, played by David Laundra, who was in Episode 9, Season 4.

David: A horse’s head?

Dean: Yeah, a horse’s head.

David: What do you need a horse’s head for? I mean, you’re not going to do something insane, like mimic The Godfather and put the horse’s head in somebody’s bed, are you?

Dean: Oh, c’mon. Absolutely not. I mean, I need the horse’s head for uh, for uh… acting class. Right? I’m doing Hamlet, the graveyard scene. You know… "Alas, poor Yorick!"

David: Isn’t Hamlet holding a skull?

Dean: Uh, yeah, but that’s the way everybody does the part. I’m trying to bring a fresh turn to it, to Shakespeare’s glorious words.

David: Oh, I see. This horse’s head becomes a metaphor for Hamlet’s lost hopes, because a horse is symbolic of Hamlet’s shattered military career. For Hamlet’s mind, galloping out of control. A simile for his frustrated dreams of succeeding his father, the king. Brilliant.

Dean: It is, is it? Oh, it is!

David: Too bad.

Dean: What’s too bad?

David: Too bad I don’t have a horse’s head.

Dean: Wait a second. You got a warehouse full of shit, and you don’t have one lousy fucking horse’s head?

David: I got a stuffed [inaudible].

Dean: No, no, no. Look, do you have any idea where I can get a horse’s head?

David: Hey, try the stables. You know, the place where they leave the carriages for Central Park?

Dean: Yeah, yeah, I do. Do you really think they’re just going to hand me a horse’s head?

David: No.

Dean: Then why would you suggest it?

David: Well, you seemed so desperate. I'm handing you a ray of hope.

Dean: Yeah, well, you know what? Stick your ray of hope where the sun don’t shine. All right?

Eamonn: Mike pulls a skull out of a drawer.

David: Uh, here, why don't you take this? As a fall-back.

Eamonn: Dean ponders the skull, as if he really was Hamlet. Meanwhile, we head over to the alley outside Chris Meloni's apartment. Terry's keen eye shoots the surroundings. Lee points down the alley, which leads to a fire escape.

Lee: Chris lives up there, on the 4th floor.

Eamonn: A neighbor exits the apartment building, stepping into the alley to throw her garbage into the dumpster. She studies our duo suspiciously. The neighbor is played by Catherine Wolf, who portrayed nurse Carol Grace on Oz.

Catherine: May I help you?

Lee: No, you may not.

Catherine: Let me rephrase this. Who the hell are you?

Lee: Me?

Catherine: Yes.

Lee: I'm the, uh, building inspector, alley division.

Catherine: Oh, is there something wrong with our alley?

Lee: We had a complaint, but I'm happy to say your alley is up to code. Congratulations!

Catherine: Oh, thanks. The co-op board, of which I am president, takes great pride in our alley.

Lee: Hey, uh, you don't happen to know Chris Meloni, do you?

Catherine: Oh, is he the guy on 4 who's dating Julianna Margulies?

Lee: Yeah, he is.

Catherine: No, I don't really know him. I don't like show folk. Except… Julianna Margulies. She's sublime.

Lee: Yeah, she is.

Catherine: Oh, I got to admit. Sometimes, I have lesbian fantasies about Julianna Margulies.

Lee: Yeah, me too.

Eamonn: The neighbor eyes Terry suspiciously.

Catherine: May I ask, what is HE doing?

Lee: Shhh, he's with Homeland Security.

Catherine: Homeland Security? What is Homeland Security doing in my alley?

Lee: It's a secret.

Catherine: A secret?

Lee: A secret.

Catherine: Oh, oh, oh. Are there terrorists around?

Lee: No.

Catherine: Oh, I'll ask him.

Lee: Don't! This is Homeland Security. If you find out the reason he's here…

Catherine: Oh, he'll have to kill me! I watch 24! I know!

Lee: In fact, you never saw him.

Catherine: No?

Lee: No. He doesn't exist.

Catherine: He doesn’t?

Lee: No. You were never around here.

Catherine: I wasn’t?

Lee: No. You are in your kitchen.

Catherine: Oh!

Eamonn: Lee hands her back her garbage.

Catherine: Oh, I understand. Yes, of course.

Eamonn: Terry turns the camera on her.

Catherine: God bless America! And Jack Bauer!

Eamonn: Neighbor goes back inside. And we go to Toys R Us.

[piano music plays]

Eamonn: Dean, carrying a skull under his arm, searches a bin full of stuffed animals—pandas, giraffes, kangaroos. No horses. Railing against an unjust god, Dean tosses a stuffed alligator onto the floor. A store clerk approaches. The clerk is played by Kristin Rohde, who you may remember was Officer Claire Howell on Oz.

Kristin: Can I help you?

Dean: Yeah, a horse, a horse. My kingdom for a horse.

Kristin: That's Shakespeare.

Dean: Is it? I thought I just made it up.

Eamonn: The clerk holds up a stuffed pony.

Kristin: Here's a nice horsey.

Dean: It's too small. I needed something like… yo big.

Kristin: Yeah, we don't carry any horses that size.

Dean: Actually, I'm really only interested in the head.

Kristin: Why the head? I mean, you’re not going to do something insane, like mimic The Godfather, are you?

Dean: Oh, please, don't be ridiculous. I need the head for acting class. You know, Hamlet… "Alas, poor Yorick!"

Kristin: What? Are you going to use a horse head instead of a skull?

Dean: Yeah, it’s a metaphor for Hamlet's lost hopes, because the horse is symbolic of Hamlet's shattered military career, Hamlet's mind galloping out of control, a simile for his frustrated dreams of succeeding his father, the king.

Kristin: Wow, that's a load of horseshit there.

Dean: Look, are there any other toy stores which DO carry horse's heads?

Kristin: Not to my knowledge, no.

Dean: Shit! Fuck!

Kristin: Sir, please! Language! There are children about.

Dean: Aw, I'm sorry, I'm just a little stressed out. You see, I was in an apartment that had a horse's head on the wall, but I just can't remember where. You know, it was after this premiere of some Ashton Kutcher debacle, I don't know what it was called. I did some Ecstasy and we all went to someone's house, and I was banging this Swiss chick, and I looked up and I saw…

Kristin: How about a gorilla?

Eamonn: The clerk hands Dean a stuffed gorilla. He hands clerk the skull, studies the gorilla.

Kristin: Sir? Why are you carrying around a skull?

Dean: This skull? Well, you see… classic skull… skull and bones. Yeah, Zeljko. He bought it! Zeljko!

Eamonn: A proverbial light bulb goes off in Dean's head.

Dean: Of course! I mean, how silly! I was at Zeljko's house that night. On E with the Swiss chick. I gotta go see Zeljko.

Kristin: But first, handsome? Let's go into the back and do a little boink-boink.

Dean: I don't have time to boink-boink. We’ll have to just boink.

Eamonn: Now, since this story is keeping with family values, we are going to skip the boink. Instead, as if by magic, we return to the outside of Chris Meloni's apartment building, where Lee follows Terry out of the alley and bumps into…

Lee: Chris! Chris!

Chris: Lee!

Lee: Hey! Smile for the camera!

Chris: [to Terry] Hey, will you get that out of my face? I get a lot of money to be on camera. I don’t want it to be sucking up my essence.

Terry: You know, your essence isn’t the only thing that sucks.

Lee: Chris! I thought you were working!

Chris: Aw, we had to shut down. Mariska’s hair… pfft. So, what are you two doing here?

Lee: Buddy, pal, amigo… you know I’d do anything for you, and I KNOW you’d do anything for me.

Chris: Sure, we have a bond, a chemistry, which transcends time, space, and heterosexual impulses.

Lee: Can you give me a key to your apartment?

Chris: No.

Lee: No? Just like that, "no"?

Chris: Yes.

Lee: Yes, you will give me your key?

Chris: No, I won’t give you a key. And, yes, just like that.

Lee: Don’t you even want to hear why I want a key to your apartment?

Chris: Yes, but the answer is still "no."

Eamonn: Lee turns to Terry, winks, mouths the word "crafty," then once again addresses Chris…

Lee: Somebody has a birthday coming up, and somebody else is planning a big surprise for the somebody-with-the-birthday-coming-up. And if the somebody-with-the-birthday-coming-up gives me—I mean, the somebody else—a key…

Chris: I hate surprises.

Lee: You do?

Chris: I loathe surprises.

Lee: Even if it involves strippers?

Chris: Strippers? Lee, that was impressive last year.

Eamonn: Cell phone rings.

Chris: [talking into phone] Hey, it’s me. [to Lee and Terry] It’s super-agent Bill Butler!

Terry: Yeah, he’s mine too. And why is Chris the only one Bill Butler ever calls?

Chris: Heyyy, Billy! What up? Aww, no, YOU’re super-talented. Yeah, well, you’re the most talented agent I know. Yeah, look, can I call you later? I’m in the middle of a script conference. Good. I love you, too, buddy.

Lee: We’re not a script conference!

Chris: So?

Lee: You LIED to Bill Butler?

Chris: He’s an agent! As if he’d know the difference. Besides, he was calling about some offer to do the new Tarantino film, the one to be Mr. Plaid.

Lee: Mr. Plaid?

Chris: Mr. Plaid. But I’m holding out for Mr. Mattress.

Lee: Oh, the world is so unjust.

Terry: Yeah, you tell me. Explain to me John Malkovich’s career.

Lee: Chris, it breaks my heart you don’t trust me with a goddamn key to your goddamn apartment, when we’ve known each other all these years, we’ve worked together INTIMATELY. Now I feel that time was wasted, a mirage, a fleeting escapade.

[piano music plays]

Eamonn: Tears fill Lee’s sad eyes. Like a small child must [inaudible] the sands of the Sahara desert.

Chris: I’m touched. I’m moved. No, kidding.

Lee: Okay, you’re forcing me to tell you the truth. I hate to admit it, but I wanted the key so I could, uh… steal your demo reel.

Chris: My demo reel?

Terry: His demo reel?

Eamonn: For those of you who may not know, actors create a short reel demonstrating their best scenes from their previous work in films and TV, hoping the producers of upcoming projects will watch the reel and simply offer them roles.

Chris: Lee, why do you want to steal my demo reel?

Lee: I need to make a new one, and I always thought yours was so GENIUS. I thought I would use it as a touchstone. You know, a bar that I could try to rise to.

Chris: Well, my demo reel IS pretty incredible. It did get me that job on SVU. That, and giving Dick Wolf a blowjob. Funny… I haven’t needed that demo reel since. I get offers now, like the Tarantino flick. I don’t even know if I still even have that darn thing… [snaps fingers] I do. Upstairs.

Lee: Well, if you wouldn’t mind lending it to me?

Chris: What are friends for? You know, I’ll tell you what. I’ll watch it with you, give you some pointers.

Eamonn: They head into Chris’s building, just as Dean arrives at Zeljko Ivanek’s fashionable home in the fashionable section of Manhattan known as Chelsea. Zeljko, of course, played the evil governor Ed Danvers on Oz. [Editor’s note: this introduction was erroneous—Zeljko played Gov. James Devlin on Oz; Ed Danvers was the name of his character on Homicide: Life on the Street.] Zeljko stands in the doorway with Dean.

Zeljko: Dean Winters, you old salt! What brings you to my neighborhood?

Dean: You know, Zeljko, last time I was here, I noticed that you had a, uh…

Eamonn: Dean goes into the living room, sees a moose’s head with antlers above the fireplace.

Dean: Shit!

Zeljko: I had a… shit?

Dean: I thought you had a horse’s head. You know?

Zeljko: I DID have a horse’s head. In March. This is April.

Dean: You switch heads? On a regular basis?

Zeljko: No, I keep the heads, until its dead eyes pierce my soul.

Dean: What happened to the horse’s head?

Zeljko: Oh, I had it cremated. Threw the ashes in Glenn Close’s face. Dean, I pride myself on being perceptive about people. You seem, uh, agitated.

Dean: Ah, nothing a little head wouldn’t cure.

Eamonn: Dean studies the moose’s head and gets an idea.

Dean: Um, Zeljko, have I told you what an honor and a privilege it was to act with you on Oz?

Zeljko: Yeah, but Dean, we never had scenes together.

Dean: Yeah, but even so, even so, I used to stand on the set and watch you just declarate. I mean, really, Zeljko. A thrill.

Zeljko: Aww, thanks.

Dean: Yeah. Hey, Zeljko, can I ask you a huge personal favor?

Zeljko: Sure, anything.

Dean: Yeah, can I borrow the moose’s head?

Zeljko: Oh. God. No. I, no. Yeah, if I remove the moose head from that wall, I’ll throw the symmetry of the room off kilter.

Dean: It’s only for one night. You know, you’ll be asleep practically the whole time the head is gone. You won’t even know the kilter is off.

Zeljko: Boy, I don’t know…

Dean: I’ll give you 20 bucks.

Zeljko: Nahhh, money’s not really an issue.

Dean: You remember that night in Vegas, Zeljko?

Zeljko: Vegas?

Dean: Yeah, Las Vegas.

Zeljko: Oh. Yeah, okay, you can borrow the head.

Eamonn: Now, you might wonder, what happened in Vegas? Well, in truth, NOTHING happened. Tom Fontana wrote himself into a corner. He couldn’t figure out a plausible reason for Zeljko to loan Dean the moose’s head. So Tom thought that if he suggested that something happened in Vegas, you would buy the motive. What’s worse, he stole the idea from an episode of Family Guy.

Zeljko: Promise me you’ll be very, very careful. He’s very, very rare. And very, very expensive. Very, very fragile.

Dean: You’ll have it back in perfect condition, first light tomorrow.

Zeljko: His name is Mortimer. Good-bye, Mortimer.

[piano music plays]

Eamonn: We cut to the alleyway for Chris Meloni’s apartment building. Chris and Lee stand together as Terry keeps filming.

Lee: Hey, Chris? Um, did, uh, Julianna Margulies find you?

Chris: Julianna Margulies?

Lee: Julianna Margulies came by the diner last night in search of you.

Chris: Really? Christ! That woman is crazy. She keeps throwing herself on me, I guess as a way to get back at you.

Lee: So, you’re not dating her?

Chris: NO! Jesus! I know the protocol, the secret rule by which all men abide. A guy does not date the ex-girlfriend of his best friend.

Lee: BEST friend? Me? Really?

Chris: Of course! You know it.

Eamonn: Lee beams.

Lee: Oh joy!

Eamonn: Elevator doors open. The three of them walk to the door of Chris’s apartment. Chris unlocks the door. They enter the living room.

Terry: Wow, this is a really nice place. Seven years, seven years we did Oz, you never invited me up here.

Chris: I know. Hey, I’m gonna go find my demo reel. It should be AWESOME to watch again. You know, there’s some stuff in there from The Fanelli Boys that’s gonna knock your socks off.

Eamonn: They exit into the bedroom. Terry keeps shooting.

Terry: Boy, Lee, I have to admit, you certainly were "crafty" getting us in here. I love watching YOU manipulate Chris.

Eamonn: Pangs of guilt which cut deeper than any shiv, tear at Lee. He puts his hands up and says…

Lee: Stop. Stop shooting.

Eamonn: A dramatic pause, then Terry nods.

Terry: I understand.

Eamonn: An hour or so later, Dean works at the sink in his luxurious loft, mixing stage blood in a bowl. He stops, stares at the blood.

Dean: This stage blood, it just never looks real.

Eamonn: He goes to the refrigerator, takes out a bottle of ketchup, and squeezes a ton of ketchup into the bowl. Stirs.

Dean: Now we're talking blood!

Eamonn: Lee and Terry enter.

Lee: I'm out.

Dean: What do you mean, "out"?

Lee: O. U. T. Chris told me he's NOT dating Julianna.

Dean: Oh, and you believed him.

Lee: Well, of course I believed him. Why wouldn't I believe him?

Eamonn: Dean stops stirring, faces Lee.

Dean: You're so sweet and naïve. What does Chris do for a living?

Lee: What do you mean, what does he do for a living? You know what he does. He's an actor.

Dean: Right. An actor. And what does an actor do?

Lee: He acts.

Dean: All right, all right. And what is acting?

Lee: What is acting? I don't know.

Dean: Acting is pretending, right? Pretending you're someone else. Pretending you're in love. Pretending you're Lee's best friend. And what does pretend mean? Lying. A good actor knows how to make the lie seem true. Chris is a pretty good actor, right?

Lee: He's okay, yeah.

Dean: There's no guarantee that he was telling you the truth about Julianna. I mean, he could have been pretending. He could have been…

Lee: … lying! CHARLATAN! I'm IN!

Dean: I am IN.

Lee: IN. Only, ohhh, I had Terry stop shooting when we were in Chris's place! We'll have to go back there!

Terry: Hey, I'm a filmmaker. I'm an artist. I don't care about people's feelings, unless those feelings serve the film. I lied when I said I stopped shooting. I ignored your wishes completely. I kept the camera rolling the whole time we were there!

Lee: You cocksucker! I love you!

Lee: [to Dean] Did you get the horse's head?

Dean: Almost.

Lee: Almost?

Terry: Almost?

Eamonn: Dean pulls the sheet off Zeljko’s moose's head.

Terry: Bullwinkle?! You went out to get Mr. Ed, and come back with BULLWINKLE?

Dean: It was the best I could do on such short notice!

Lee: We can't go in there with this!

Dean: Why the fuck not?

Lee: First of all, a moose head looks silly! Second, how are we going to get those antlers up the fire escape?

Dean: That's true, you got a point.

Lee: Unless…

Eamonn: Lee goes to drawer, pulls out hacksaw.

Dean: No, no, no, wait, wait, wait. I promised Zeljko that I would take extra-special care of this, okay? I promised to get the moose's head back tomorrow in perfect condition!

Eamonn: Dean stares at the moose's head, then at Lee.

Dean: Fuck Zeljko Ivanek!

Eamonn: Lee starts to saw off an antler.

Dean: We arrive at 9:05, in disguise.

Terry: Why wear a disguise?

Dean: Because we're famous, Terry! Our faces have been on national TV!

Eamonn: Imagine now, that night has descended on the island of Manhattan, and we have once more traipsed to the alley outside Chris Meloni's apartment building.

[piano music plays]

Eamonn: Dean arrives dressed in a black ski cap, black t-shirt, black pants, carrying a black backpack. Lee comes dressed all in black, carrying a large burlap bag. Both of their faces are smeared with black make-up. Terry appears, still shooting. He is dressed normally. He studies Lee and Dean's appearance.

Terry: I like the black. It's very noir.

Eamonn: The trio goes forward. Dean reaches for the ladder, but it's too far from the ground. He jumps, then jumps again, but he still can't grab the ladder.

Lee: Here I come, Batman!

Eamonn: Lee, who occasionally believes he really is Robin the Boy Wonder, puts burlap bag down, cups his hand, gives Dean a boost, then snags the ladder, and it comes down with a crash.

Lee: Shit!

Dean: Shit!

Terry: Mary!

Eamonn: They wait a moment to see if anyone heard. Nothing. Dean starts to climb, followed by Lee and Terry. On the 2nd floor, a neighbor walks to the window of her apartment and opens it. She breathes in the night air, then hears a sound. She sees Dean and Lee pass by carrying the burlap bag.

Catherine: Hey!

Eamonn: But when she sees Terry, her mouth opens, terrified.

Catherine: I don't see you! I don't see you!

Eamonn: Terry nods and continues to the next level. On the 4th floor, Lee and Dean arrive with the burlap bag.

Dean: Okay, all we need to do now, is open the window.

Lee: Uh-oh.

Dean: Uh-oh?

Lee: Uh-oh. I didn't unlatch the latch.

Dean: You didn't unlatch the latch?

Lee: No. I was so overcome with the milk of human kindness!

Dean: You idiot!

Lee: HEY! I am NOT an idiot! I get so sick of everybody—you, Chris, everybody—saying I’m an idiot! I am NOT an idiot! I am NOT Fredo! I’m an intelligent [inaudible] stallion! I’m going!

Dean: Oh, oh, oh. No, no, no. Lee. You canNOT go now, okay?

Lee: I sure as shit can.

Dean: No, no, no. Listen to me, look at me. You are not an idiot, okay? You're Frodo.

Lee: Frodo?

Dean: Yeah, Frodo! Yeah, you know, from the Lord of the Rings. Everyone thought the hobbits were weak and wimpy, right? But when the moment of truth came, Frodo, he stood up, and he stood strong, against Sauron, and Nazgul, and the forces of Mordor. Are you buying this? [inaudible]

Lee: I’m Frodo, not Fredo!

Dean: Yes.

Lee: Hey, if I'm Frodo, that makes you the chubby one!

Dean: Well… all right. Okay. I’m fine with that, "Frodo."

Lee: Okay, I'm in, "Samwise."

Dean: We just have to find a way to open the window.

Eamonn: Terry climbs to the 4th level.

Terry: Don't worry. I unlatched the latch when Chris and Lee weren't looking.

Dean: Oh, Terry, I swear, I take back every rotten thing I ever said about you… your acting, your directing, your kinky sexual habits…

Terry: Kinky sexual habits? I, uh, like gerbils…

Eamonn: Lee lifts the window open. One by one, they step inside the living room of Chris's apartment, bringing the burlap bag in last.

Dean: Okay, okay. Listen. While I uncover the head and get the blood ready, Lee, you go peek into the bedroom to make sure Chris is asleep.

Eamonn: Dean takes the blood out of the backpack as Lee heads down the hall, Terry filming. Lee reaches the door to the bedroom. Lee grabs the knob, then he turns it oh so slowly. He opens the door and sees Chris in bed asleep with Julianna. As jealousy consumes Lee, he clutches the doorway. [inaudible] Lee turns and looks away. Terry shoots Chris at the side of the bed. The camera lingers a bit too long on Julianna’s naked breasts. Back in the living room, Dean is about to pour the blood all over the moose’s head when Lee bursts in.

Lee: CHARLATAN! You were right, Dean! They’re in there together. Chris! And Julianna! I am devastated! Distraught! Discombobulated!

Dean: Oh, no, no. Lee, that sucks. Jack Woltz was left alone in his bed when the mob boys left the horse’s head.

Lee: So?

Dean: So, even if we don’t wake Chris, we might wake Julianna. She’s a very light sleeper.

Lee: How do you know that?!

Dean: TMZ. I saw it on TMZ.

Eamonn: Terry enters, still filming.

Terry: Wow! Like two sweet melons at the peak of ripeness!

Dean: It’s time for a tactical retreat.

Terry: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Lee: No, I say, like my hero George W. Bush, "Bring it on!"

Terry: Your hero is George W. Bush?

Dean: Pay no attention to him. Last month, he worshipped Jon from Jon & Kate Plus Eight.

Eamonn: Dean returns the blood to the backpack, places the moose head in the burlap bag.

Dean: We try again another night, when we know Chris is alone.

Lee: CHARLATAN!

Dean: Right.

Eamonn: Lee heads into the kitchen.

Dean: You! You get back here!

Eamonn: But he keeps going. Dean and Terry follow. Lee opens refrigerator, brings out food.

Dean: What are you doing?!

Lee: He fucks my girl, I take his cannoli.

Eamonn: Lee finds a bag of Juicy Fruit gum.

Lee: Gum! Who wants gum?

Dean: Leave the gum, and take the cannoli! (Don’t blame me! Blame Fontana.)

[piano music plays]

Eamonn: In the alley outside Chris’s apartment building, Dean heads down the fire escape with the burlap bag. As Lee emerges through the window, munching on the cannoli, Terry comes out last, shuts the window. On their way down, the trio passes the neighbor who, in turn, ducks out of sight. Dean steps off the fire escape.

Dean: Okay, okay, just lower the bag down to me. All right?

Eamonn: The bag comes crashing down, nearly hitting Dean.

Dean: I wonder if Jack Nicholson ever has nights like this?

Eamonn: He looks inside. The face of the moose is dented, an eye is missing.

Dean: Alas! Poor Bullwinkle!

Eamonn: Lee and Terry step off the fire escape.

Lee: I’m going for a walk.

Terry: Hey, could you go for a run? The film needs pacing.

Lee: Don’t you see I’m in emotional turmoil? I crave revenge, like Brad Pitt in Inglorious Basterds.

Terry: Or Johnny Depp in Sweeny Todd.

Dean: You’re going to get revenge, Lee, okay? I promise you. Only we need to come back here on a night when Julianna won’t be here.

Lee: Well, given the insatiable, craven appetites of Chris Meloni, sexual predator, that might take a while!

Dean: No, you go see Julianna tomorrow.

Lee: Me? No. I couldn’t do that.

Dean: No, no, you tell her that you miss her. You know, you want to take her out to dinner, take her to an expensive place. To a romantic place.

Lee: And then I fuck her?

Dean: No! You don’t fuck her! You don’t show up because you’ll be with me! In Chris’s apartment!

Lee: Ah, I see! Double revenge! She’s left pathetically waiting alone in a restaurant while Chris gets a horse head foot-warmer!

Dean: Yes! It’ll be like that. Yes!

Lee: God, no wonder you were so magnificent as Ryan O’Reily.

Dean: You really think that I was magnificent? You really think that?

Lee: Uh-huh.

Dean: I guess, you know that scene when I say goodbye to my brother before he’s executed…

Lee: That was the best goodbye featured.

Dean: You were good, too, you know? Don’t forget the head.

Eamonn: Dean walks off. Lee picks up burlap bag, follows. Terry turns off his camera.

Terry: Why? Oh why, did I ever leave Steppenwolf?

Eamonn: As Terry ponders this universal question, a new day dawns, filled with possibilities, with hopes, with aspirations. In Dean’s apartment, the phone rings. Dean checks the caller ID.

Dean: Shit!

Eamonn: He doesn’t answer the phone, the machine does.

Zeljko: Hey, Dean. Zeljko. Um… where’s my head? Uh, you said you’d have Mortimer back this morning?

Eamonn: Cell phone rings. Dean flips open the cell, checks caller ID, pushes button, as Zeljko on the answering machine keeps babbling about Mortimer.

Dean: Speak!

Eamonn: Lee on his cell in front of Julianna’s apartment, as Terry shoots.

Lee: Dean, I’m having second thoughts.

Dean: Second thoughts?

Lee: Second thoughts. It seems so cruel, getting Julianna’s hopes up. The poor girl dreams of the day when she and I are together again.

Dean: This is business, not personal. And you’re taking this very, very personal.

Lee: It’s not personal. It’s strictly business.

Eamonn: (The Godfather, Scene 72.)

Lee: Oh, no! Here’s Julianna, I gotta go.

Eamonn: Lee flips cell phone.

Lee: Hey, Julianna!

Tom: Hey! Hi, Terry. I see you're still shooting.

Terry: Ah, B-roll.

Lee: You know, it’s strange meeting you here.

Tom: Why are you so surprised? I live on this block.

Lee: Fate brings us together again. Since the other night when I saw you at the diner, I've been thinking about us.

Tom: Us?

Lee. Us. The great times we had, you know, we should have dinner together. Tonight. At [inaudible] I know show much you love that place.

Tom: Dinner?

Lee: You and me?

Tom: You and me?

Lee: Yeah, you and me. Sounds good, right?

Tom: Uh, I'm busy.

Lee: I'll pick you up at one?

Tom: I have a meeting with Kathryn Bigelow. She wants me for the lead in her new feature. It's a musical set in the Warsaw ghetto. And I play Anne Frank.

Terry: Anne Frank wasn't in the Warsaw Ghetto.

Tom: Well, you know Kathryn Bigelow. She's an innovator.

Lee: So, tonight, no dinner.

Tom: Sorry, I'm going to Kathryn's hotel suite at the W and sing the entire score.

Lee: Oh, okay, I just kind of had my heart set on it. How about tomorrow night?

Tom: Tomorrow night?

Lee: Tomorrow night after dinner we could go skeet-shooting. I know how much you love shooting skeet!

Tom: Hmm, tomorrow night I'm busy. I'm meeting with Tony Kushner. He's doing his new Broadway show, and we're going to simulcast it on Showtime.

Lee: Oh. How about Thursday?

Tom: Les Moonves.

Lee: Friday?

Tom: Spielberg.

Lee: Saturday?

Tom: Casey Childs.

Lee: Whoa, your career is going great!

Tom: Eh, I get by. You?

Lee: You know, I'm up for a, um, a, uh, commercial. A deodorant commercial.

Tom: Oh. That's nice.

Lee: Yeah, I play a sweat stain.

Tom: Hey, I, uh, have to go.

Lee: Meeting Clint Eastwood?

Tom: No, chatroulette.

Lee: Julianna, I really want to see you again. I really miss us, and I'm really sorry about all the pain I caused you.

Tom: Pain? Me? We had some laughs, but what was between us was no biggie.

Lee: It wasn’t?

Tom: No.

Lee: Oh, I see. You're saying that as a projection device.

Tom: No!

Lee: You're in denial.

Tom: No.

Lee: Having your period? Wait, wait. Before you go, just tell me. Is it true, are you in love with Chris Meloni?

Tom: Don't ask me about my business, Lee.

Lee: Is it true?

Tom: Enough! All right, this one time. This one time, I'll let you ask me about my business.

Lee: Is it true?

Tom: No.

Eamonn: Yes. That last exchange was stolen from The Godfather. In the last scene, the door was closed in Diane Keaton's face. We don't have a door, but the rejection is the same. Julianna is gone. Sadly, Lee stares at Terry, then flips open cell. Presses speed dial. In Dean's apartment, Zeljko Ivanek's voice is still talking on answering machine…

Zeljko: Mortimer, where are you?

Eamonn: Dean picks up his cell.

Dean: Lee. Is it done?

Lee: Done and done.

Dean: She bought it?

Lee: Hook, line, and stinker.

Dean: Uh, it’s sinker.

Lee: What?

Dean: Hook, line, and SINKER. It's a fishing term.

Lee: Whatever. She'll be nowhere near Chris Meloni's boudior this evening.

Dean: Excellent, excellent. How's that make you feel, huh?

Lee: Empowered!

Eamonn: Lee hangs up phone, eyes Terry.

Lee: Terry, do me a favor?

Terry: I’ve already pushed the lead.

Lee: Really? I mean, really?

Terry: Yeah. [inaudible]

Eamonn: Lee nods. Night falls, like a mighty redwood in the dark forest.

Terry: This play is where metaphors go to die.

Eamonn: We’re back in the alley behind Chris Meloni’s apartment building.

[piano music plays]

Eamonn: Dean and Lee enter, carrying a burlap bag. Once again, dressed in black, black make-up on their faces. Terry follows with camera.

Terry: NOT black. Noir!

Eamonn: Whatever! They reach the fire escape, put the burlap bag down. Lee gives Dean the boost, he grabs the ladder, brings it down smoothly, without noise. Dean climbs the ladder. Lee effortlessly heaves him the burlap bag. They pass the 2nd floor. The neighbor waves at them. They reach the 4th floor, open window, enter living room. Dean starts to unpack the moose’s head, as Lee goes down hallway to the bedroom. The door is closed. Lee opens the door to reveal Chris in bed. Asleep, alone. Lee smiles at the camera. Back in the living room, Dean holds the battered moose’s head as Lee and Terry enter.

Dean: We good? We good? How’re we doing?

Lee: Good, yeah.

Dean: You pull back the sheets, I’ll place the head.

Lee: Capiche.

Terry: Geez, I haven’t felt this excited since Gary Sinise’s bachelor party!

Eamonn: The three of them enter Chris’s bedroom. Lee approaches bed, Chris starts to move.

Chris: [mumbles in his sleep]

Eamonn: Terry, Lee, and Dean duck. Terry goes under the bed. Lee goes into the closet. Dean pretends to be a hatstand. Chris rolls over, stops. He’s still asleep. Our trio emerges from hiding. Lee goes to the bed, whispers to Dean…

Lee: He’s all twisted in the sheets.

Dean: Blow on him.

Lee: Blow him?

Dean: NO. Blow ON him.

Eamonn: Lee leans forward to blow on Chris, who smiles.

Dean: No, no, no. Not that way. Hot.

Lee: Hot?

Dean: Yeah, not "PFFFFT," but hot like "Hahhhh,"

Eamonn: Dean demonstrates how to blow hot. Lee imitates him. Chris grimaces.

Chris: Arggh.

Eamonn: Chris flips over as Lee hold onto the sheets, unravelling him.

Dean: You did good, you did good.

Eamonn: Lee lifts sheets. Chris is naked.

Dean: Jesus Christ, look at the size of his cock.

Eamonn: They marvel at Chris’s penis, then Dean places the moose’s head down at Chris’s feet.

Dean: Okay, now cover him up.

Terry: What about the blood?

Dean: Oh, yeah, the blood, the blood.

Eamonn: He reaches reaches inside the backpack. A panic clouds Dean’s emerald green eyes.

Dean: Shit! I forgot the fucking blood!

Lee: You forgot the blood?

Dean: I forgot the blood!

Terry: How could you forget the blood?

Dean: I had the blood last night!

Lee: Last night was last night!

Eamonn: Chris rolls over.

Chris: [mumbles in his sleep]

Eamonn: Terry, Lee, and Dean duck. Terry goes behind the curtain, Dean crouches behind a chair, Lee goes into the closet.

Dean: What? The closet again?

Eamonn: Chris stops, still asleep. The trio emerges from hiding.

Terry: We need blood.

Dean: Stay here.

Terry: What are we going to do?

Dean: I’ll improvise.

Lee: Oh, cool. Cool. I, uh, took an improv class. [inaudible]

Eamonn: In the kitchen, Dean opens the refrigerator.

Dean: Shit! There’s no ketchup bottle! Or those little plastic ketchup packets from fast food places!

Eamonn: Dean closes the refrigerator, goes to the cabinets, searching them further in a way that would make David Caruso proud.

Dean: Shit! I wish I’d brought my sunglasses.

Eamonn: Dean finds a bottle of Newman’s Own tomato sauce.

Dean: Oh, yes! God bless you, Paul Newman!

Eamonn: In the bedroom, Lee holds sheet up as Chris starts to touch his penis. Lee looks away.

Chris: Oh, yeah. Yeahhhh, you know how to do it. Ah, you’re so good, Lee…

Eamonn: Lee’s eyes widen.

Chris: Lee. Leeeee. LeeeEEEEeee.

Eamonn: Lee smiles and turns.

Terry: We could definitely sell this to Logo!

Eamonn: Dean returns, pours Newman’s Own tomato sauce all over moose’s head.

Dean: The profits go to charity! Lower the sheets.

Eamonn: Lee lowers the sheets.

Dean: Okay, let’s go.

Eamonn: Lee stares at Chris.

Dean: Lee?

Lee: He’s sort of cute, isn’t he?

Eamonn: Dean grabs Lee’s arm and pulls him out of the bedroom and into the living room. They climb out the window to the fire escape. Below them, a police car sits in the alley, terry top spinning.

[police siren sounds]

Terry: Holy, moly. The cops!

Lee: What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?

Dean: Back inside! Back inside! Back inside!

Eamonn: They go into living room. Dean takes off ski mask. Lee does the same. They go to bathroom. Dean wipes his face, leaving black make-up all over the white towels. Lee does the same. They exit into the living room. Dean takes cloth jacket out of closet, hands it to Lee, then holds out a sharp NYC leather jacket.

Dean: You know, I’ve always wanted one of these.

Eamonn: Dean puts the leather jacket on, they unlock the front door, exit. Terry follows, closes door behind them. As they exit Chris’s building, they see cops waiting outside.

Dean: Lee, act drunk. Act drunk.

Lee: How drunk?

Dean: Jäger drunk.

Lee: WHOOOoooOOOH!

Eamonn: Dean and Terry [inaudible] encounter Mike Doyle, who portrayed Adam Guenzel on Oz.

Mike: Curly, Larry, Moe come here!

Lee: [drunkenly] Hello, officer!

Mike: He’s not driving, is he?

Dean: No, sir.

Mike: You guys haven’t seen any suspicious characters loitering around in blackface?

Terry: Blackface? No, no. No, sir.

Mike: Yeah, we’re afraid we have some renegade minstrels running around. What’s your name?

Lee: [drunkenly singing from My Fair Lady] "I’m getting married in the morning!"

Dean: If we don’t get him home right now, he’ll do the entire score.

Lee: [drunkenly singing] "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain!"

Mike: Hey, aren’t you that guy from Oz?

Lee: [stops singing] Yeah.

Mike: That show stunk to high heaven. Yeah, The Sopranos… there was a TV classic.

Lee: Oh, why, I oughta…

Eamonn: Lee takes a swing at the cop.

Mike: Hey!

Terry: Lee! Stop!

Lee: Hey, where’s it say you can’t kill a cop? A dishonest cop that got mixed up in the rackets and got what was coming to him!

Eamonn: (The Godfather, Scene 42.)

Mike: Yo, are you accusing me of being on the take?

Dean: No, no, no. Officer, he’s drunk.

Lee: WHOOOoooOOOH! [drunkenly singing] "I could’ve danced all night! I could’ve danced all night! "

Mike: [singing] "And still have begged for more!"

Lee: "I could’ve spread my wings!"

Mike: "And done a thousand things!"

Everyone: [singing] "I’ve never done before!"

Mike: I played Eliza Doolittle at St. Barnaby’s All Boys Parochial School.

Dean: Sorry I missed that.

Mike: Okay, get outta here, you galoot!

Eamonn: Cop signals to Lee. Dean and Terry help Lee walk away. They turn the corner. Lee stands up straight.

Lee: How was I? I patterned my performance after Jimmy Stewart’s drunk scene in A Philadelphia Story. How about when I started singing? GENIUS.

Dean: I think you were a little flat.

Lee: Flat?

Dean: Yeah, flat. I’m going home. [whistles] Taxi!

Lee: Even Rex Harrison had his off nights!

Terry: Dean, you can’t leave.

Dean: Oh, yes, I can! I’m going before Lee starts doing Billy Elliott!

Terry: No, listen, if we don’t film Chris waking up, we don’t have a denouement.

Dean: Denouement?

Lee: A denouement?

Terry: An ending.

Dean: You mean we have to…

Terry: Yeah, go back up there!

Dean: No, that’s it! I’m going to go learn the casino business. See ya.

Eamonn: As dawn comes, we see a long shot of Chris’s apartment building, then dissolve to a medium shot of the front area, then dissolve further to a medium shot of the alley. Camera continues moving in toward the fire escape, then up toward the window. We dissolve to Chris’s bedroom. There’s a medium shot of the bed, Chris under the covers. Camera continues to move in slowly toward the bed. Camera pans slightly left as it continues moving forward to Chris, lying with his back to camera. He stirs. He feels under the covers. He reacts as he feels… something. He sits up, withdraws his hand which is covered in tomato sauce. Sitting up straight, and he pushes the covers back, camera panning left to the moose’s head lying at the foot of the bed. And Chris screams!

Chris: [SCREAMS]

Eamonn: And screams!

Chris: [SCREAMS]

Eamonn: Long shot of Chris’s apartment building, as Chris screams continually.

Chris: [SCREAMS]

Eamonn: As fate would have it, Harvey Weinstein saw a rough cut of Terry’s film and decided to release it to thousands of theaters nationwide. The film got a huge buzz, rave reviews, and lots of Twitter traffic. And…

Terry: I won the Oscar! Best Director!

Dean: So did I! Best Actor!

Lee: I got a feature story in the Star-Ledger!

Eamonn: A few days later at the Empire Diner, Dean, Lee, and Terry are sitting with Colin Farrell. (Oh, come on. You really expected Colin Farrell?)

Tom Fontana-as-Colin: Travolta? Saturday Night Fever?

Lee: [imitating John Travolta] "I work very hard on my hair! And then he hits my hair!" GENIUS.

Tom: Saturday Night Fever wasn’t acting, it was dancing! I’m asking, who’s the greatest Italian-American actor, ever?

Terry: DeNiro.

Tom: Not since Meet The Fockers.

Terry: Pacino.

Tom: Pacino?

Dean: Pacino.

Lee: A genius.

Tom: I think Pacino sucks.

Dean: What?

Terry: What?

Lee: What?

Tom: Well, take Scarface. I mean, could anyone actually do that much coke?

Eamonn: Lee looks at Dean. Dean looks at Terry. Terry looks at Lee. They smile mischievously. Terry raises the camera. And coming soon… Godfather, Part V!