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[personal profile] vanillalime
A few days ago, I finally watched Lee Tergesen's latest film, "Tooken," a comedy spoof of the "Taken" franchise.

Even though it's been out for a while, I hadn't bothered to watch the movie before now, despite being a huge Lee fan. Earlier this year, I had seen the movie's trailer, as well as some clips on its Facebook page, and, to be perfectly honest... I wasn't all that interested in seeing more. The movie didn't look particularly good, or maybe it just wasn't my kind of movie, and I was afraid I would be cringing in second-hand embarrassment the entire time. But Showtime recently added it to its schedule, so I figured I'd give it a shot. And you know what?

The movie was MUCH better than I expected! Lee is in nearly EVERY scene (looking very, verrrrrrry nice, I must add), and he seemed to be having a blast. And that energy and the goofiness were contagious. I mean, yes, the movie was stupid, but there WERE some genuinely funny moments. All the actors were surprisingly good, obviously Lee in particular, and I think that made a huge difference. In retrospect, I think the trailer was poorly assembled and the taken-out-of-context clips made it seem worse than it really was.

The farther I got into the movie, the more I was able to enjoy it for what it basically was: a great opportunity to watch an adorable LeeEEEeee in action!

So, I then watched the movie a second time, taking screencaps throughout, and I'm posting 60 of them here (along with descriptive captions) for other Lee fans to enjoy. I KNOW that SEEMS LIKE A LOT, but it's actually less than half of what I took, so! I think I deserve some credit for managing to narrow it down to what I did. The quality of the caps isn't as great as I'd like, because the parental controls on my desktop computer prevented me from streaming the movie there (apparently, giant penises are an issue even if they're fake), so I had to use my ipad. Obviously, SPOILERS abound, although I use my captions to describe Lee himself, more than the actual plot of the movie (yes, there was a plot!).

Sooo... let's get to it! :-)

Yay, top billing! And they spelled his name right!

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We first meet Lee's character while he's slugging back vodka.... (LOL, just like Toby!)

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.... and, before you know it, the infamous Forehead Vein makes an appearance! (One of many in this movie, I might add.)

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.... shortly followed by The Pout. (Again, one of many.)

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But gosh-darn it, he's so cute, I can hardly stand it!

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Here's our first Tongue Alert! (This will also be a theme!)

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ZOMG! A shih tzu puppy-dog! It's so cute!

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Who's cuter? A side-by-side comparison:

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I'm saying Lee!

... especially when he's carrying the dog around in a baby snuggly:

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Oh, yes, Lee's definitely cuter:

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Gah............. that arm, looking all veiny and muscly and freckly:

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Okay, now this has been driving me crazy. Donnie Walhberg (on the left) makes a credited cameo appearance playing a cop in a TV commercial:

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But I'm fixated on the cop on the right, who I immediately identified as Robert Clohessy! Even the voice sounded like his! BUT there's no mention of him in the credits?

*looks closer* I'm like 90% sure that's him. And it's not a crazy idea, because Robert Clohessy and Donnie Wahlberg both appear on the show Blue Bloods together. (I'm tempted to send a tweet to the director, John Asher, asking him to verify that it's really him.)

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Anyway! Back to Lee! Here he is, all hot and sweaty and mad! I hope he doesn't shank anyone! Heh.

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This was one of my favorite scenes in the movie, because the blue shirt Lee is wearing is a pefect match for his blue eyes:

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*ROWR*

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Even his profile is adorable! 'Cause it shows off his cute little nose!

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His mother is played by Joyce Bulifant (John Asher's real-life mother). As a child of the '70s, I instantly knew her from her appearances on Match Game and as Murray's wife on The Mary Tyler Moore Show:

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Poor Lee, always the bitch:

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At least she doesn't make him lick her boots!

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Lee and the dog, both sticking their tongues out at the same time!!! So cute!

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More tongue porn, courtesy of the pill he's taking for erectile dysfunction:

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More arm porn:

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Flexible meditative Lee!

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And, finally! Lee's character experiences his long-awaited erection:

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And he's SO HAPPY about it!

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So happy, in fact, that Lee gets up and does these AWESOME DANCE MOVES to this thumpy-thumpy porn-like background music AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL and he was ADORABLE and it was absolutely one of the best parts of the movie because my god the man can GYRATE HIS HIPS. And I tried to cap it, I really did, but the pics just didn't come close to doing it justice. I really wish I knew how to make gifs (other than the cheat kind off YouTube videos), because this would've been the perfect time for that. So, sorry, I don't have him dancing, BUT I do have him doing bare-chested leg-kicks:

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And pelvic thrusts:

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And push-ups:

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And selfies:

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Before he goes a little crazy:

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And exposes himself to his dog:

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... who promptly explodes, starting a fire! Oh, no!

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But wait, it's actually great news for us! Because that means we get GRATUITOUS LEE NUDITY as he tries to put the fire out:

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Why, yes, the carpet does match the drapes! Thanks for asking!

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Luckily, a fireman barges in to rescue him! Surprise!

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The fireman picks Lee up over his shoulder....

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And carries him....

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Outside....

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Where a news crew is waiting....

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To interview him. Whew! I had to watch that scene MANY times, to make sure [insert excuse here later].

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Random flashback scene! Reminding me of Wayne's World!

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In this scene, which lasts several minutes, Lee is bound to a chair (with his legs spread wiiiiiide) and interrogated by the movie's Bad Guy. But all I can hear is, "Just like the old days, with you as my bitch" and "Fuck you!" and "Just a litle harmless fun between two consenting adults."

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POP!

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Once again, MORE with the tongue! Lee just can't keep it in his mouth! (OMG THAT'S WHAT HE SAID)

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You ever notice sometimes that Lee's a little bow-legged? I sure have. And sometimes I think about the possible implications.

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Awesome photoshop potential here:

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LOL at the honest-to-God closed captioning:

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Whee! In the climactic pentultimate scene, the Bad Guy (played by Margaret Cho) experiences death via Lee's grotesquely enlarged erect penis. (Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that it's fake.)

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 It's a whole different twist on "You should take care where you stick your dick. That baby is lethal." LOL

And, finally, even in a dorky Hawaiian shirt, Lee and his blue eyes are still gorgeous:

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And that was basically the end of the movie.

BUT WAIT, after the credits rolled, there was an additional 5 minutes of out-takes and bloopers, which was fantastic, because there's tragically very little video footage around of Lee as Lee, and it was great to watch him just being himself.

I like to think that Lee is the consummate professional actor who never makes mistakes, but apparently he does, and it's the CUTEST THING EVER. In one scene, he got the giggles and kept ruining take after take:

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Hopping around like a bunny:

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GUH.

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Making Margaret Cho crack up:

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Oh, if only this hand had belonged to Meloni:

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And last, but cetainly not least, there was Lee being all BENDY while pretending to attempt auto-fellatio:

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At least, I think he was pretending.

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*turns head sideways for a better look*

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And then that was it!

It'd be nice if Lee could actually star in a big-budge legit comedy film, but I guess we should be happy with what we can get. And I was definitely much happier with this movie than I thought I would be, as evidenced by the fact that I don't think I've ever used the words "cute" and "adorable" so often in such a short period of time. :-)

And congratulations on making it to the end of this post! LOL

(no subject)

Date: 2015-09-14 03:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mazephoenix.livejournal.com
Whoa. That was hot. Tongue, and ass..umm..Now I'm reminded of doc s's more saucy scenes in "Someone like you". Okay, have to see this. Thanks for the pics.

(no subject)

Date: 2015-09-14 04:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mazephoenix.livejournal.com
Obviously a naked Chris beside him(or inside him-ohh I'm bad) would be even better. But we have Oz for that. Oh those shower scenes..I love Chris checking Toby out in season 2, while talking about them sticking togheter. Fun times.

(no subject)

Date: 2015-09-14 01:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] leeleelee.livejournal.com
Looks like you had a lot of fun with these. Thanks for posting.

And yes - Lee has the cutest nose. I love his profile.

And yes, that was Clohessy. He does play Donny's supervisor on Blue Bloods and I think this was a take off on that. Some people just ask not to be credited for a variety of odd reasons.

I thought it was funny that John used his ex-wife and her new husband in the movie. Must have a good relationship.

I knew the Joyce played John's mother on Weird Science but never knew she was his real life mother. Wild. I love learning that stuff.

(no subject)

Date: 2015-09-15 06:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] adiposecey (from livejournal.com)
I have an addiction for Lee's vein especially in his forehead and arms, it's all wrestling scene fault in Oz.
I watched Piranha 3DD (and Piranha 3D) last summer so nothing can be worse, i could do a change to this movie, for Lee :)
And btw you definitely should write movie review as job because was really funny to read :)
Edited Date: 2015-09-15 09:31 pm (UTC)

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